An Addict’s Love Song to Her Son
Setting Boundaries in Sobriety
How to Restore Marital Equilibrium in Recovery
Dating While (Newly) Sober
The Walk
Men… I’ve Always Been Obsessed With Them
Neil Strauss' Evolution
Tattoos, Love, and Recovery
Act Like a Lady
6 Steps to Address Relationship Issues in Recovery
Setting Our Abound-aries: Dating and Sobriety
My First Sober Heartbreak
5 Surprising Ways PTSD Affected My Relationships
@57, Agreed that an affair permanently changes a relationship. But having children does too, as does moving to a new city, prioritizing one person's job over the other person's, facing health issues, etc. etc. etc. Extra-marital sex happens, and then if people want to stay together, they have to figure out how to do that. It is possible to maintain a loving partnership after a betrayal of trust, but not if you keep focusing on the betrayal, as opposed to the partnership.
Posted by EricaP on August 4, 2010 at 10:35 AM · Report
Unregistered Comment on August 4, 2010 at 5:09 PM59
60
Will you agree that an affair damages the involuntary participant as well as the relationship. That the damage to the individual needs to be addressed before the damage to the relationship can be effectively addressed because if the individual continues to hurt then no amount of effort exerted on behalf of the relationship is going to work. You might resolve the pre-existing issues in the relationship, but there are going to be a whole new set of issues due to the affair.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on August 4, 2010 at 6:23 PM · Report
61
I will say that I was definitely hurt by his infidelity, but now, five months later, I don't think I am still "damaged." We have great sex, and I feel that in a way, I have more confidence in the marriage than I did before. I used to worry, "what if he cheats?" And now we've gotten through that particular trial by fire, and we're still together. But then, it probably helps that he told me the truth himself (five months late), before I figured it out.
Posted by EricaP on August 5, 2010 at 10:30 AM · Report
62
I glad that you have stopped hurting. I do caution you that depending on how traumatic it was for you, you may experience post traumatic stress disorder episodes. Even if there are no further disclosures or lapses, you may experience bouts of anger and/or depression for no obvious reason. Something trivial may trigger a subconscious response. The other examples of life altering events are different because they are either voluntary, joint decisions, or require informed consent.
The other issue is what was the underlying cause of the affair. If the person had the affair due to their own issues, which probably affected the relationship, but weren't caused by the relationship then trying to address relationship issues is doomed to failure unless the underlying issues of the cheater are addressed.
The hardest thing is to learn to trust the other person again. There are always going to be lingering doubts about the cheater's truthfulness and honesty, particularly if they were able to lie and deceive without you being to detect the prevarication. While the trust may be re-established, it will never be the same as it was before the affair. Trust, but verify and no longer give them the benefit of the doubt.
Setting Boundaries in Sobriety
How to Restore Marital Equilibrium in Recovery
Dating While (Newly) Sober
The Walk
Men… I’ve Always Been Obsessed With Them
Neil Strauss' Evolution
Tattoos, Love, and Recovery
Act Like a Lady
6 Steps to Address Relationship Issues in Recovery
Setting Our Abound-aries: Dating and Sobriety
My First Sober Heartbreak
5 Surprising Ways PTSD Affected My Relationships
@57, Agreed that an affair permanently changes a relationship. But having children does too, as does moving to a new city, prioritizing one person's job over the other person's, facing health issues, etc. etc. etc. Extra-marital sex happens, and then if people want to stay together, they have to figure out how to do that. It is possible to maintain a loving partnership after a betrayal of trust, but not if you keep focusing on the betrayal, as opposed to the partnership.
Posted by EricaP on August 4, 2010 at 10:35 AM · Report
Unregistered Comment on August 4, 2010 at 5:09 PM59
60
Will you agree that an affair damages the involuntary participant as well as the relationship. That the damage to the individual needs to be addressed before the damage to the relationship can be effectively addressed because if the individual continues to hurt then no amount of effort exerted on behalf of the relationship is going to work. You might resolve the pre-existing issues in the relationship, but there are going to be a whole new set of issues due to the affair.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on August 4, 2010 at 6:23 PM · Report
61
I will say that I was definitely hurt by his infidelity, but now, five months later, I don't think I am still "damaged." We have great sex, and I feel that in a way, I have more confidence in the marriage than I did before. I used to worry, "what if he cheats?" And now we've gotten through that particular trial by fire, and we're still together. But then, it probably helps that he told me the truth himself (five months late), before I figured it out.
Posted by EricaP on August 5, 2010 at 10:30 AM · Report
62
I glad that you have stopped hurting. I do caution you that depending on how traumatic it was for you, you may experience post traumatic stress disorder episodes. Even if there are no further disclosures or lapses, you may experience bouts of anger and/or depression for no obvious reason. Something trivial may trigger a subconscious response. The other examples of life altering events are different because they are either voluntary, joint decisions, or require informed consent.
The other issue is what was the underlying cause of the affair. If the person had the affair due to their own issues, which probably affected the relationship, but weren't caused by the relationship then trying to address relationship issues is doomed to failure unless the underlying issues of the cheater are addressed.
The hardest thing is to learn to trust the other person again. There are always going to be lingering doubts about the cheater's truthfulness and honesty, particularly if they were able to lie and deceive without you being to detect the prevarication. While the trust may be re-established, it will never be the same as it was before the affair. Trust, but verify and no longer give them the benefit of the doubt.